"Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants
should be subject to a term in prison."
"Never miss a good chance to shut up."
"Always drink upstream from the herd."
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it
"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment."
"If you live life right, death is a joke as far as fear is concerned."
"There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one
"I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I
have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is
because I have stayed an old country boy."
"America is a land of opportunity and don't ever forget it."
"The minute you read something that you can't understand, you
can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer."
"Your mothers get mighty shocked at you girls nowadays, but in
her day, her mother was just on the verge of sending her to
"We are always yapping about the 'Good Old Days' and how we
look back and enjoy it, but I tell you there is a lot of hooey to it.
There is a whole lot of all our past lives that wasn't so hot."
"I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined or
hard to check as a socially ambitious mother."
"Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."
"My ancestors didn't come over in the Mayflower-they met the
"My father was one eighth Cherokee and my mother one fourth
Cherokee, which I figure makes me about an eight cigar-store
"It was the luckiest thing that ever happened to me. Betty [his
wife] is to blame for it all. Whatever I am or have accomplished, I
owe to Betty. I ain't got no sense. My wife made me what I am. In
other words-local girl makes good in the city-makes good man."
"The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his
patients what is the matter-he's got to just know."
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody
"Fanatical religion driven to a certain point is almost as bad as
none at all, but not quite."
"You shake a slogan at an American and it's just like showing a
hungry dog a bone."
"The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about
"All Wrigley had was an idea. He was the first man to discover
that American jaws must wag. So why not give them something to
"The only way to solve the traffic problems of the country is to
pass a law that only paid-for cars are allowed to use the
highways. That would make traffic so scarce we could use the
boulevards for children's playgrounds."
"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians
seriously and the politicians as a joke."
"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb
and clap as they go by."
"Things will get better-despite our efforts to improve them."
"I never met a man I didn't like."
"We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can."
"Try to live your life so that you wouldn't be afraid to sell the
family parrot to the town gossip."
"People are marvelous in their generosity, if they just know the
cause is there."
"The Lord so constituted everybody that no matter what color
you are you require the same amount of nourishment."
"Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now if
nobody is around we use our fingers."
"Everyone is ignorant, only in different subjects."
"Nothing you can't spell will ever work."
"There is two types of larceny, Petty and Grand. They are
supposed to be the same in the eyes of the law, but judges
always put a little extra on you for Petty, which is kind of a fine
"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
"People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers,
instead of their conscience, be their guide."
"No man is great if he thinks he is."
"I guess truth can hurt you worse in an election than about
anything that can happen to you."
"Nothing makes a man, or a body of men, as mad as the truth. If
there is no truth in it, they laugh it off."
"Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth."
"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
"On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are
the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four
years, no matter what it does."
"There ought to be one day-just one-when there is open season
"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole
government working for you."
"You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in
every war they kill you in a new way."
"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the
"The man with the best job in the country is the vice President.
All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How's the
"I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like
to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a
better husband than I am, but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to
"The United States investigates everything-usually after it's
"Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting
for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder
why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials."
"If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics."
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people
than golf has."
"If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at
peace with the world."
"Politics is the best show in America. I love animals and I love
politicians and I love to watch both of 'em play either back home
in their native state or after they have been captured and sent to
the zoo or to Washington."
"If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought to put on our
tombstone, 'America died from a delusion that she has moral
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front
and applaud yourself."
"There is only one thing that can kill the movies, and that is
"I'm not a real movie star. I still got the same wife I started out
with nearly 28 years ago."
"Old Hollywood is just like a desert water in Africa. Hang around
long enough and every kind of animal in the world will drift in for
"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time
we have rushed through life trying to save."
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
"I wonder if it isn't just cowardice instead of generosity that
makes us give tips."
"Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow is too lazy
to form an opinion."
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